Jeff's World of Crap Presents

The Canonical List of Terms for Taking a Crap

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Anal puking
Analyzing a log dump
Answering the call of the wild
Auditing your ASSets
Backing the trailer in
Baking a hot icicle
Baking a loaf
Baking a potato
Baking a russet
Baking some brownies
Baptising (insert ethnic derogatory here) eggs/larvae
Barbarians at the gate
Becoming one with the animal kingdom
Being anal-nonretentive
Big brown man knocking on the back door
Birthing a turd
Blowing mud
Blowing a butt plug
Blowing the butt trumpet
Boarding the bus to Strong Anus City
Bombing the bowl
Bombing Hiroshima
Bombing the Oval Office
Bombing the Tidy Bowl Man
Building a bench
Building a dookie castle
Building a Gomer Pyle (gawwwwleeee, Sarge!)
Building a home for a dung beetle
Bunghole train has left the station
Burying an elf
Carpet bombing
Catching up on some reading
Chalking the bowl
Choking a brownie
Choking a darkie
Chopping a log
Christening a boat
Cleaning the tuba
Coiling a steamer
Committing yourself to the dumpatorium
Communing with nature
Conducting a movement
Consulting your ASStrological chart
Contaminating the dog dish
Cooking a brown carrot
Cooking a brown kielbasa
Cooking a butt burrito
Cooking some chocolate
Cooking some fudge
Cooking some sausage
Cooking up a pot of anal stew
Coronating Gluteus Maximus III
Crimping off a length
Creating an ex-wife/ex-husband
Crunching one
Curling some pipe
Cutting some rope
Dancing with Duece Bigalog
Delivering a wild pitch
Dirty birth
Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap
Disposing of some hazardous waste
Doing the loose poops dance
Doing the Royal Squat
Doing your paperwork
Dookin it out
Downloading some brownware
Drawing mud
Drilling for mud bunnies
Dropping a bomb
Dropping a brown trout
Dropping a chocolate cobra
Dropping a deuce
Dropping a dookie
Dropping a load
Dropping a log
Dropping a scone
Dropping a spike
Dropping a stool
Dropping anchor
Dropping loggy log
Dropping the chalupa
Dropping the kids off at the pool/lake
Dropping trou
Dropping wolf bait
Dropping your ordinance
Drowning the kittens
Dumping a load
Dumping an organic depth charge
Dumping a stump
Emptying your anus
Enjoying a meatball sandwich
Exploring the watery cave
Exporting a cigar to Cuba
Feeding the fish
Feeding the pets
Feeding the refugees
Feeding your toilet
Fighting the rat
Filling the peanut butter jar
Firing the cannon
Flexing your cheeks
Flagging down the anus vendor
Floating a boat
Floating a trout
Floating one for the Gipper
Flushing feces
Forcing the duck to quack
Foraging for dungleberries
Full moon over troubled waters
Getting down and dirty
Getting into deep doo-doo
Giving a dirty birth
Giving a (insert ethnic derogatory here) a burial at sea
Giving birth to a (insert ethnic derogatory here)
Giving the hemmies (or the man in the canoe - for the ladies) some breathing room
Giving the neighbors some food for thought
Goin' fecen
Going caca
Going into labor
Greeting Mr. Hankey (South Park kicks ass!)
Grinding the beef
Growing a tail
Hanging a grogan
Hatching a new boss
Having a shit
Heaving a Havana
Helping the groundhog find his shadow
Hitting a double
Hitting pay dirt
Honking out a dirt snake
Hound doggin'
Hurling a turd
Igniting a rectal rocket
Inspecting the facilities
Introducing the toilet to the bald man with the cigar
Jettisoning the alien*
Killing the bathroom
Killing the shitter
Launching a butt shuttle
Launching a corn canoe
Launching a scud
Launching a torpedo
Laying a brick
Laying a log
Laying some brown carpet
Laying some cable
Laying some pipe
Let my people go
Letting off a corn rocket
Letting the dog out
Loading the crapper
Log jam
Logging out
Losing some weight the quick way
Making a Baby Ruth
Making a core dump
Making a delivery
Making a deposit at the porcelain bank
Making a doo-doo
Making a grunt sculpture
Making a log entry
Making a Minnesota hand warmer
Making modern art
Making mud
Making room for lunch
Making some butt gravy
Making some fertilizer
Making some haggis
Making some trouser chili
Manufacturing a three-coil steamer
Measuring the depths of the water below
Microwaving a dachsund
Mooning the Tidy Bowl Man
Morning smile
Negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages**
Offloading some freight
Packing your underwear
Painting with the brown stuff
Painting the bowl
Parking your breakfast
Parking some bark
Passing a load of coal down the chute
Passing the baton
Paving the Hershey highway
Paying the plumber
Peeling the wallpaper
Pinching a chimp
Pinching a crusty roll
Pinching a loaf
Planting a steaming bouquet of brown roses
Pinching the head off a (insert ethnic derogatory here)
Pissing rusty water out of your ass
Planting some corn
Playing at the toilet bowl
Playing a small percussion instrument
Playing craps
Playing with Winnie the Poo (sic)
Poking the turtle's head out
Polluting the pond
Popping some corn
Praying to Buddha
Punching a grumpy
Punishing the porcelain
Putting fruit in the bowl
Quaking the porcelain****
Quickening the cleansing****
Recycling corn/fiber
Releasing the demons
Releasing the hounds
Releasing your payload
Removing a butt tampon
Reversing a Ho-Ho
Riding the ceramic carthorse
Riding the hoop
Ringing the church bells (Dung! Dung!)
Rocking your rectum
Ripping a duece
Rolling a nut log
Sandblasting the toilet
Sawing off a log
Scaring up a tater
Seeking revenge for the Brown Bomber
Sending a message to the White House
Sending Fidel a love letter
Shaking your booty
Shooting the Hershey squirts
Singing with Michael Bolton
Sinking the Bismark
Sinking a link
Sitting on the bowl
Sitting on the can
Sitting on the throne
Slapping the pod
Snapping a log
Snapping a yambo
Solid fart
Sphincter snot
Sphincter spew
Sphincter spurt
Spray and wipe
Squat and clench
Squeezing a coily
Squeezing a loaf
Squeezing off a few rounds
Squeezing one out
Squeezing out those last few calories
Squeezing the butt mustard
Squeezing the cheese
Squirting dirt
Staining the porcelain
Stocking the pond with brown trout
Stretching the sphincter muscle
Studying at the library
Tainting the cloth
Taking a doogie
Taking a dump
Taking a Donald dump
Taking a growler
Taking a load off your mind
Taking an SS Capolongo
Taking a shit
Taking a steamer
Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl
Taking the kids to the waterslide
Testing the plumbing
Torqueing a moon-fish
Touching cloth
Training a (insert ethnic derogatory here) to jump through the hoop
Turning the wienermobile into a submarine
Unleashing the holy leviathan
Updating the Captain's log
Vacating the premises
Visiting the toilet for a poo-poo
Voiding your bowels
Watching a dolphin splash
Weasel nosing
Wrestling a brown corn-belly snake
Xeroxing a copy of the bad stuff****
Yanking the worm out of the hole****
Yodeling in the canyon***
Zapping the porcelain

* Special thanks to Zach S. for helping us fill in the Js!
** Special thanks to t-Odd for helping us fill the Ns!
*** Special thanks to Frank R. for helping us fill in the Ys!
**** Extra special thanks to Indy, a true CrapMeister, for filling in the Qs, Xs, and Ys, plus giving us a few choice other craps!
§ Special thanks to Brian B. for this tasty morsel!

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This collection and all original work: copyright by Jeff Zalkind © 1995-2008. All rights reserved.
No part of this work may be reproduced or distributed, in whole or in part, without my expressed written permission.
Violators will be prosecuted to the full extent of international copyright law and may be assaulted with flying dung.